Prayer above all else…
Just when I feel we get our groove ...it seems we lose it again... steps forward..steps backwards. When I feel like I’m good and stable my ankles and knees give out and remind me...BUT GOD... I need you, I still always need you more than I realize. And I find myself feeling helpless again, realizing I can’t fix everything (good thing..sometimes I try too much when really I just need to stop trying and pray above all else).
Rory had her big procedure for her gtube and I’m so thankful the surgery went well. The hospital stay was a little rough though and her recovery has set us back some too. The stomach bug also went around our family and Rory has a cough that she can’t seem to shake ever since her surgery. So much so sometimes she coughs herself sick and can’t keep her food down.
After a rough day of Rory coughing and spitting up feeds I lost it.. I got so mad , and cried out to God why this burden? Why can’t I fix her pain and discomfort..I’d take it all on if she could be healed and content and happy. I’d take any other burden why this one? Why a daughter I can’t help..whose problems I can’t solve..whose needs I can’t fix? Who often requires more than I feel I have to give? All I want for her is joy and peace and healing and comfort? Why must she be in pain and discomfort God? (savior complex much? Needing to be able to fix everything… ) Any other parents out there ever feel this way? Humbling to remember it’s not our job to fix, we simply should do the best we can and know it’s not up to us...we will fall short..we can’t fix it all! Prayer is always necessary. And a reminder that Gods heart hurts when our children hurt too. It’s not the world he intended for us or them. And better brighter days are ahead. Pain and affliction brings us closer to him because it reminds us of our need for heaven, reminds us the importance of prayer.
After my melt down and Rory spitting up several feeds Andrew Jed and I prayed as a family and God showed grace, Rory kept her next feeding down..she was calm and content.
It’s not perfect, and she’s still recovering and coughing but God reminded me he cares and he listens. Even for the little things.
If I’m honest, after praying all through pregnancy for God to heal Rory and then for her to be born not “healed”, I think a small part of me sometimes doubts prayer when I’m at the bottom. I get angry...and doubt God will honor my cries out to him for help. I re-open that wound and feel abandoned often before I even ask for help....but even if she wasn’t healed. She is here, and she is wonderful and precious!…the truth is...whether God answers the way we want or not we must keep on praying. He cares, and even when his answer is different he’s not abandoning us. He sees more and farther than we can see and he knows something better awaits us. One day all will be fixed and all will be healed.
So no matter how big or small , no matter previous circumstances, prayer always matters and is always necessary. The act alone also heals, as it reminds us we are not the savior..so May we all stop trying and getting so worked up when we “can’t”…because He is the only one who can. God cares, he listens, so don’t give up on prayer.
Recently Jeds been praying for “baby sister” too. For her to not be sick to not cough and feel better with no boo-boos. The innocence, the boldness , the simplicity of children. May we learn from it!
So on that note...pray with us for Rorys recovery..from her cough, from her surgery. That’ll she’ll get used to her new feeds, start feeling better, start sleeping through the night again. And continue to thrive as she grows and develops.
And prayers for our family as we continue to figure out the future and what new normal looks like. We have many blessings we are grateful for but are still praying for God to map out our path, to open doors and help us in getting back to more sustainable rhythms. To help us continue to shift towards thriving. In our ne normal.
We are grateful for so much support from family and friends in this season!
